My Standard

I hold myself to an incredibly high standard. I always have. Along with that comes the fact that I am my own worst critic. I will beat myself up over something so miniscule that it's doesn't deserve mentioning, but there I am giving myself the what for over it. I expect way too much of myself. I have this image in my head of what I think I should be able to accomplish, handle, do, complete, reach and when I fall short the disappointment sets in. When I was younger, all my parents had to do was look at me, and I would immediately confess, and feel horrible. A disappointing look was way worse than them yelling at me. There were times where I wanted them to yell because it would make me feel better, instead I would get a look and I would want to die. I guess in a way, I'm the same way today. I don't want to yell at myself (although that would be quite the image), instead I make myself feel even worse by giving myself the ultimate punishment....disappointment.

Usually, I do pretty well hitting my bar. Each day I set goals, and have things that I want to accomplish, and most days I come out ahead, but the past few weeks I have been coming up ever so short. Its miniscule things, forgetting to do this, not paying attention to that minor detail, getting distracted, relationships aren't as they should be, I have the feeling for frazzlement and harriedness. I'm not meeting my standard and that disappoints me. I haven't been as detail oriented, I'm not as organized as I would like to be, I find it hard to find words that describe what I need, I feel like I am grasping at things that are just out of reach. I am not meeting the standard that I have for myself - not by a long shot.

I know why I'm this way lately - I am building a house. I am taking on a huge undertaking and it is using a lot of my brain power to make sure things go according to plan. If you remember from a couple of posts back, this is all riding on my shoulders. I don't have a spouse to share the responsibility with, and that makes the pressure even worse. And you know what, I beat myself up because I let building a house get to me. How screwy is that? Instead of lowering my expectations bar and giving myself some slack, I raise it and expect to sail right over it. I beat myself up because I feel I should be even more organized, more put together, have it all, instead I am the opposite. I'm a human being, not superman. I have faults, issues, handicaps. I'm not an electrician, builder, foundation layer. I can't know it all, be all, do it all.

So, here is to accepting help, getting better organized, thinking things through, taking things one day at a time, looking at the big picture, being patient with myself, letting go and enjoying this process. Here's to not beating myself up over small things, and embracing the changes that are headed my way - the good...scratch that....great changes that are ahead. Here's to realizing that I don't always have to have it all together, that I can not reach the bar and not be disappointed.